Some people care and some people don't - that's the way of the world. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be one of those who don't care . It would make life a whole lot easier to be able to walk away from people and situations without a backwards glance. It would probably mean being less open to being hurt, upset, frustrated or angered. It would probably make life quieter and less complicated. It would probably mean less stress and worry.
But would I be living? And more importantly, would I be me? Probably not.
My life was pretty idyllic until I reached 21 and since then, I've had more than my fair share of ups and downs. There have been real low points in my life. Times when the outlook looked bleak. Times when I have felt unimaginably lonely and alone (two entirely different emotions believe me). There have been moments when I have wondered if it was ever going to get better. Feeling envious or jealous is not something that comes naturally to me, but I have occasionally looked at my friends more ordered and less traumatic lives and felt something mighty close to envy.
Despite this, I don't think I'd change my life. If the luxury of time travel were available I would have only one wish - to have my mum back (pre-cancer). I'm sure my life would have turned out somewhat different if she was still here. I'm sure I'd be more content, less stressed and less of a worrier. I'm sure my inability to settle would be less of an issue. I'd find it easier to open up to people without constantly fearing I would wake up one day and they'd be gone too. I'd probably find the wall I've spent years building oh so carefully around myself would be allowed to fall into dis-repair. But I'll never know.
And that's why I can't stop caring. It's what keeps me alive, what lets me know I still have a purpose and a reason, it's what gets me out of bed and facing the world. If you stop caring then surely you just give up. And that's not something I ever did even in my darkest hours...
ONE DAY
If I could have you back for a day
I'd tell you I love you,
spend time, just us two,
shopping and laughing.
Ladies that lunch!
Enjoy time together
go to a show,
find time to chat
But a day's not enough - I want
more!
13-8-08
About Me
- Little Miss Sunshine
- I'm a music loving, laughter seeking, creative lady. As you can guess from my name, I prefer to look at the good things in life and make the best of what I have. And to be fair, I have a lot: great family, wonderful friends, interesting and rewarding job, various hobbies and my own pad. But my life is about to go into free fall, a new and exciting adventure. An adventure that 10 years ago would probably have thrilled and excited me beyond belief but now in my 30's is actually quite daunting and a little un-nerving! Having spent 11 mad, hectic, busy and fun years in London, I'm moving back up north. The call of the sea and fresh air is proving too hard to ignore. So instead of having a stable, permenant job, my own flat and a busy social life I could well be up here, living back in the family home with no job, no flat and a busy social life. So because I have nothing else going on in my life at the moment (!), I thought now would be the perfect chance to start a blog! So bear with me, come along for the ride and make comments if you like (only nice ones and smiley faces please!)
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