Chippy Towers!

I've had a busy few days - even by my standards. In the last 6 days, I've been in Manchester, London, Portstmouth, back to London and now back in Southport! I'm tired just reading that list! But for the purposes of this blog, we are going to Portsmouth.

Well actually, if we're going to be accurate, Hayling Island. The purpose of the visit was the wedding of two lovely people who I've known since I moved to London 11 years ago. The day was perfect, the weather beautiful, the bride gorgeous and the ceremony very personal and intimate.

Having seen the happy couple exchange vows my friend Ben and I had a couple of hours to kill before the evening festivities so we headed to the seafront. Afterall, which wedding day is complete without fish and chips?!

If you are from Hayling Island, I apologise now. It is a very strange and weird little place. Most of the inhabitants appear to have escaped from those reality Fat Club shows and this combined with their Little Britain velour tracksuits helps to set the picture. In my posh frock and Ben in his suit we looked just ever so slightly out of place...

However we found a little fish and chip cafe and made our way inside. The staff were less than thrilled to be there and customer service was not exactly high on their list of priorities - Basil Fawlty looks positively 5 star in comparison! One man manned the fryer and never so much as looked up or exchanged a glance or word with his colleagues or customers; one lady manned the till, stabbing the buttons with an enthusiasm she certainly didn't reserve for the customers; and one poor lady who we'll call Doris seemed to be there to provide the till lady with someone to shout out.

We tentatively ordered our food and paid a whole £1 more for the treat of eating at a table. While waiting to pay Doris was asked for a tray and was told in more than strident tones "Doris! This one is wet!". Having paid for our order Ben and I hoped to slink off to a table to avoid further contact with the sweet and lovely till girl. However as we turned Doris was to be found grumbling loudly and with some reason to her daughter "Who does she think she is?" We declined to get involved and found a plastic table to hide at.

Doris continued to bustle - no I lie here, she stumbled and edged her unsteady way around the cafe distributing cups of tea and dinners with a toothy smile. And Ben unwisely decided to go and order a pot of curry to go with his dinner. As the Battleaxe at the till was frightening beyond belief he waited in a queue rather than face her wroth and ask if he could add something to the order. Finally arriving at the front of the queue he asked for the desired curry sauce. Doris bless her pointed out that there was only the dregs left. "Well?" replied Battleaxe "It's the best bit isn't it?" And what makes it worse the dregs only filled the pot half way and he still got charged full price!

Doris loaded up her tray and wobbled her way down the cafe to deliver our dinner. I asked for some red sauce "certainly lovey" Doris beamed "It's a £1 a bottle or 20p a sachet"! Seriously, they fill your curry pot half full and still want to charge you for a sachet of sauce. I was in desparate need of a napkin too but thought I may need to take out a loan to secure such a luxury item!

We ate quickly and made our way back to the evening do. Fawlty Towers had nothing on this place. But hey, it set us up for an evening of dancing. So if for some random reason you find yourself in Hayling Island, please pay poor Doris a visit - she needs someone to brighten her day!