It's hard to come face to face with your human frailty's. And this evening I came smack bang up and personal with mine.
As I've mentioned before, watching someone die from cancer is a horrific thing. There very soul is drained from them before your eyes. Their body becomes a shell that vaguely resembles the one you knew before the disease took hold.
Unfortunately I have had to watch my mum and grandma being eaten by this dreadful illness.
And now this disease is back in my life. Taking another person, another soul, another life.
I went to visit the person in question tonight. There was the familiar building with the truly amazing staff. There were the familiar wires, morphine drips, motorised bed, hand sanitiser and medical stuff.
And there in the bed, was the familiar face of cancer: puffed up with drugs, dry mouth, hallucinations, jerking, spasms, moments of lucid talk followed by acute exhaustion.
And as I sat there I made a decision that exposed my human failings. I've decided I can't go back again! I can't sit and watch another person fighting for breath, fighting to stay alive and ultimately losing the battle. I can't find the required strength within me to do this again.
And I feel awful because of it. I feel selfish because I'm putting my needs first. I wish I could go and do the cheery chat, wiping the fevered brow, maintaining a flow of inane smalltalk in a vain attempt to cling onto some kind of normality. But I just can't.
It brings back too many memories. It brings back too much hurt and pain. Pain that I have dealt with over the years but which still emerges from its little box to scare me. And I just don't have the resilience to face this pain at the moment. It's too hard.
So there we are....face to face with my fear. And I've let it win!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
It’s a difficult decision to make, but it's certainly not a failing and you're not being selfish. Sometimes we have to make choices that put oneself first, however guilty they may make us feel.
ReplyDeleteI personally wouldn't describe it as a fear that’s beaten you; it's extremely painful knowledge gained first-hand by witnessing it happen. Apart from seeing your mum and grandma go through it and the associated memories, you are also grieving for the end of your relationship, so you recognise you can’t deal with any more sorrow right now.
If there’s time, on a different day, you may feel able to visit again - or you may not. Don't beat yourself up over it (I know that last sentence sounds a bit flippant, but I really don’t mean it like that).
Take care.
Thanks for your kind and thoughtful words Bub x
ReplyDelete