Decision Time

I have a big decision to make. Probably one of the biggest I will ever make. It could mean the difference between being happy for ever more or facing a life somewhat more miserable.

This decision has been thrust upon me. I certainly didn't ask for it or seek it out. It's fair to say, it's been a bit of a roller coaster month.

I usually enjoy extremely good health. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been really ill in my life. As a result, I am the first to admit I make a terrible patient. I find it hard to do nothing and take it easy. I find it impossible to admit that my body needs a rest. So imagine my dismay when I was diagnosed with a form of Vertigo. No cure other than rest, rest and more rest. Give me the nasty tasting medicine any day!!

This vertigo has left me weepy, emotional, weak, tired, emotionally exhausted, dizzy, nauseous and low. Doesn't that sound like a barrel of laughs? Well no actually, it's been pretty damn miserable.

And if that wasn't enough to contend with, the heating has been playing up for three weeks. Countless visits later and it looks as if a solution may just be in sight. And then of course the snow arrived which means the heating engineer couldn't come out! The catalogue of disasters continued with the flat I own down south having electric problems that needed sorting. And I am supposed to avoid stress as it makes the vertigo worse.....

Avoiding stress seems to be difficult at the moment. Which leads me back to the case in point. The big decision. A decision that I'm not in an emotionally strong place to make. I'm worried I'll make the wrong decision because I am just so tired. It's a scary thing to realise that a decision made when you are at low ebb and physically and emotionally exhausted could change your life forever. Do I want to make this decision at the moment? Absolutely not! Do I have to make the decision at the moment? Unfortunately yes!

I'm throwing ideas, thoughts, scenarios and options around my head like a juggler. But my catching skills are appalling!

What I really need is a holiday away, in the sun, with no cares or worries. Instead I have Christmas to contend with and unfortunately, this decision will make or break the festive period.

A Happy Christmas.....I can only hope

The Conversations You Never Have...

This weekend was a real musical highlight of my life so far! That's a fairly strong statement I know but it is fully justified. On Friday I was lucky enough to see Ocean Colour Scene perform an acoustic set which was unbelievably good, sandwiched in the middle on Saturday was the legend Stevie Wonder and the on the Sunday was the living musical genius that is Sir Paul McCartney. There - statement well and truly justified!

Paul McCartney's set was over two and a half hours long and was packed full of songs that covered his career from the Beatles, Wings, collaborations and solo material. It was a really special event and it touched me and moved me to tears on more than one occasion.

Music and theatrical events have always had the power to do this. I have no trouble expressing my emotions about a piece of music, film, dance or theatre. I feel far more comfortable crying in situations like this than over situations that are far more personal. Over the years, many people have seen me sniffing my way through films, plays and gigs and it doesn't bother me. But Paul McCartney's set, took me on a whole new journey and one that was a bit of a struggle at times.

As you know, I'm moving back to Southport this summer. This Friday I found out I have a job so I am immensely relieved, excited and ready to go now. However, my emotions are all over the place and it was the gig on Sunday that made me face the real reason for this.

I really, really miss my mum. The last time I did a big move like this was 11 years ago when I came down here. And mum was still with us then. She was there to help me pack up. She was there to listen and advise with her usual good sense. She was there to phone me and check I was settling in ok. She was there to visit me and enjoy the sights of London.

And now of course she's not. And this fact landed on me like a ton of bricks during Sir Paul's song about John Lennon. He said the song was about all those conversations you mean to have with people but then never do and then somehow, someday it's too late.

The lyrics didn't just speak to me, they jumped off the stage and headbutted me. And now I was stuck in the glaring daylight surrounded by thousands of people, crying in front of them about my mum - something I've not done since the funeral. Every word seemed to mean something. Every word seemed to expose the gaping hole her death has left in my life. Every word made me realise that one of my motivations for remaining in London for as long as I have was to escape the grief.

I miss her hugs - if she was here now and saw me sat here typing in tears she'd just let me cry and stroke my hair until the tears stopped. She wouldn't even ask me to talk if I didn't want to. And I miss that so much. Sometimes you don't want to talk, you just want to cry and have your hair stroked and be told by your mum that everything will be fine.

I miss our shopping trips which generally involved more coffee and cakes that actual shopping.

I miss laughing with her about silly things.

I miss buying silly little gifts for her at Christmas and birthdays.

I miss our discussions about books and films and music.

I miss her singing around the house.

I miss being able to tell her all the stuff going on in my life. Getting a new job, moving back home, starting a new phase of my life - she'd have been so excited for me.

I miss being able to introduce her to people who are important to me.

And what I really, really miss most of all, is all the conversations we'll never have. So if you are lucky enough to still have your mum in your life do something for me...go and have a conversation with her because you are so lucky that you can.

Yin and Yang

What is going on with the weather??!!!

For the record, it's June 1st. Therefore, it is supposed to be summer! I think someone forget to tell the weather system.

Deciding what to wear is fraught. Especially for me. My clothes are currently split between London home and Southport home. And whichever location I happen to be in always seems to be the one with the winter clothes when it's 90 degrees or summer clothes when it's freezing!

When I drove up this weekend, I didn't even bring a coat. Mistake! Instead I am huddled up in jumpers, layers and a scratty old cardie that is fulfilling the role of jacket.

In just 7 weeks, I'll be leaving London for good. All my clothes will finally be in one place. As for the rest of my possessions - your guess is as good as mine! It all depends on how quickly I sell my flat and find a house up here. The prospect of packing up my furniture and putting it all in storage is not one I'm really looking forward to. And of course, the thought of moving all my CD's and having nowhere to keep them is stressing me out just a tad!

I have to be completely honest, my emotions are a bit of a loose cannon at the moment. I'm very excited about moving home. I can't wait to embark on the next part of my journey. I can't wait to spend more time with people who mean a lot to me up here. I can't wait to enjoy the changes that are going to happen to some of my friendships once the distance is no longer an issue. I can't wait to enjoy the sea air on a daily basis. I can't wait to enjoy a better quality of life.

But the other side of the coin also has to be considered. I'm dreading my last few weeks in school. Our school is amalgamating in September so by the end of July, St. Helen's Infants will no longer exist. Our wonderful headteacher also moves on this year after 8 years of dedicated hard work. He has done so much for the school and his presence will be sorely missed.

We are planning farewells and goodbyes and parties and celebrations. The feeling of family unity at my school is unique. We really do laugh, cry, share, celebrate and commiserate together. And my God will we all cry in those last few weeks!

It probably sounds ridiculous but I woke up in tears this morning after a vivid dream about my last day at this magical place. Unfortunately this dream is actually going to be real. I know I will find it hard to keep it together. Even now as I think about what it will be like to leave these wonderful people behind, I am welling up. Although I don't want my time at the school to end, part of me wishes that it was over with quickly. These people have touched my life and I know they will continue to do so (even from 250 miles away).

The Yin and Yang of life, the good and bad, the ups and downs. I know moving back up north is the right thing for me. I know that I'm ready to embrace my new life with enthusiasm but it won't stop me missing the old one too.

So if you see me with red eyes and runny nose, please don't ask me what the matter is unless you want to end up with a wet shoulder. Instead give me a tissue and leave me to cry for the people I will miss. Eventually the happy tears will take over and I'll be able to face my new life up here with a smile.