F.E.A.R

I've got to admit, I'm feeling a bit stressed out! Actually, if I'm totally honest, I'm feeling more than that: anxious, nervous and worried will do for starters. But the over riding emotion is Fear.

As I've said on several occasions, I love my job. And (more importantly for the children involved) I appear to be quite good at it. Living and working in this mad, amazing and crazy city has done wonders for my career. I've worked with some brilliant people who have taught me so much. I've taught some great children who have overcome hurdles higher than any I have ever had to clear. I've worked for some excellent Headteachers (and some not so great) who have encouraged me and allowed my creative mind the freedom to teach the children in a fun and imaginative way. In many ways, I'm a lucky girl.

So why the fear?

At the end of July my time in London will be at an end. I'm moving lock, stock and barrel back up North. But isn't this what you want I hear you shout in frustration!?

Yes, absolutely I want to live somewhere less hectic; somewhere I can actually afford to buy a house, somewhere with fresh air and open spaces. Plus if I'm honest, being a single girl in this city can be a pretty lonely experience. I would like to meet a nice guy. Actually forget that last statement 'nice' is a bit too bland. I'd like to meet a funny, exciting, creative, romantic (but not sick inducing!) imaginative, fun, dependable, adventure seeking guy who wouldn't think twice about heading off around the world if we won the lottery. Oh and own hair and teeth are also essential! Not much to ask for...

At the moment, there's just one flaw in my careful plan - I HAVE NO JOB!!!! For the last few weeks I've done nothing but fill in application forms, write letters of application and sit with my fingers crossed. Without wishing to sound like a big head, my CV is pretty good. I have a wealth of experience in the classroom and on the management team. I'm dedicated and hard working. I have a great rapport with children (kind of essential really). And yet Nada, nothing as yet!

I have a couple of theories about this.

1. I'm too expensive! I may well have worked my way up the professional ladder. I may have all this experience to offer. I may have excellent references but this counts for nothing in this economic down time. At the end of the day I cost too much!

2. I'm just not right for the jobs that have been advertised.

Either way, it's a lowering thought. I've built up a reasonably comfortable life style with a busy social life and a great mix of friends and hobbies. I think nothing of going out for dinner or the cinema (or even both) once a week. I splash out on gigs and theatre tickets without a thought. I have got used to this way of life. Whatever happens, I won't be out of work. I never have been. Even if it means getting a job in Tesco, I'll find something. But it's not what I want to do. I want to teach. I was born to teach. I love teaching! Plus I've got used to a certain standard of living. If I'm blunt, I've become quite spoilt.

So there's the fear right there. Fear that I won't get a job. Fear that all my plans of moving North for a better lifestyle will come crumbling down around my ears. Fear that I'll be living back at the family home for the next 5 years (not a prospect that either Dad or I would relish). Fear that my career will take a nose dive. Fear that my terribly Middle Class existence will become a little frayed around the edges. Fear that despite moving North, Mr Right will still remain as elusive as the Scarlett Pimpernell.

And breathe Jude! Once again in times of stress I turn to music to try and retain my hold on sanity and rational thought. My signature tune at the moment is a classic by Ian Brown. F.E.A.R....For Everything A Reason.

And that is what I keep trying to tell myself.

Circles and Bags

My long standing companion Insomnia has well and truly taken hold this week! The circles under my eyes are black and the bags are something that Louis Vuitton would be proud of! I'm grumpy, tired, moany, headachy and generally feeling out of sorts. But don't let that put you off reading!

What's really annoying is, I really thought I was starting to crack it. I've enjoyed nearly 3 months of glorious, regular, and undisturbed sleep patterns. I suppose it was too much to ask for this to continue!

In a way, I was prepared for this to happen and in this week of all weeks. Although I don't spend the day of the anniversary of mum's death slumped in a corner and sobbing, I would be less than human if I didn't give some thought to the events of 9 years ago on that day. The nights of the 26th/27th April have never been up there on my list of best nights sleep!

But this isn't the only reason for my insomnia at the moment. If I'm honest, I think the whole moving and re-locating process is starting to worry me too.

I'm lucky, very lucky. In these depressing economic times when the government seems determined to remove the Great from Great Britain I am in a lucky position. I have a good, stable, well paid job - and it's a job that I love. I never have to worry where the next pay cheque will come from, I never have to worry if my hours will suddenly be slashed, I never have to worry that my job could end tomorrow. But on July 21st that is exactly what will happen.

I will walk away from a school I love all in the name of Better Living. If everything works out well, I'll find a new school up here and be able to continue my selfish and on occasion adventure filled life style. But as the day draws ever closer I have to admit to some qualms and if I'm honest downright attacks of the wobbles. I'm a fiercely independent girl and the thought of losing that scares me, terrifies me and worries me.

Which is why having woken up at 1.42am, 3.15am and 5.31am. I decided to give up on the whole idea of sleep and just get up and write. It won't help me to sleep but it helps to keep me sane and in the absence of sleep that will just have to do...