Self-inflicted pressure

In just four days, I will be playing hostess at a charity do to raise money for the wonderful Queenscourt Hospice in Southport. As I've touched on before, this amazing place made my Mum and Grandma's last days as dignified and comfortable as possible. And when you are contending with an illness like cancer that can be incredibly difficult.

Cancer. One of the most dreaded and feared words in the world. Cancer has no regard for age, size, race, colour, belief or wealth. It has no sense of discrimination. Every one of us will be affected by this dreadful illness in our lives, whether it be directly or indirectly. Sad but unfortunately true.

Three years after Mum died I decided I needed to do something positive. As a family, the Hospice had given us so much in terms of medical, emotional and pastoral care. And I had an overwhelming desire to do give something back.

And so, the first Charity Event for the Hospice was born. Over the years, the themes have included School Disco, Gangsters and Molls, Think Pink, A Blue Ball and Woodstock. This year, I've gone with Ascot. We ladies love an excuse to get out our posh frocks and this seemed the perfect theme to encourage this.

As ever, I'm looking forward to the night. But I have to admit, I'm a little nervous too. You see, this year the event is very close to the anniversary (April 27th). Each year I get braver and braver. The first year my thank you speech was a pityful and nerve filled one minute of mumbled thanks. But as the years have gone on, I've grown in confidence (and of course, time has done a lot to heal). Last year I even managed to raise a glass in Mum's honour and mention her by name. Something I would never have been able to do a few years ago. So that brings us to this year's event. An event that will take place a mere 10 days before the anniversary of Mum's death 9 years ago. Yes it's an added pressure on a night that is emotionally charged but the Hospice is worth it, and so was Mum.

INSOMNIA - explained

It's Mother's Day in just over a week. The shops are dripping with cards, cuddly toys and present ideas. At school, the children are lovingly decorating cards with things they know their mummies will love. I smile brightly and tell them Mummy will LOVE it!

It's been 9 years since I bought my mum a card and wished her Happy Mothers Day. Just a few weeks later in 2001 she had gone.

In January 1996, I was in my final year at university. A 21 year old with her whole life ahead of her. Dreams, ambitions, aspirations, all there waiting to be explored. All in all my life was pretty damn peachy.

"I've found a lump in my breast" Mum told me. We were sat on the bed in mum and dad's room. "I have to have an operation in a couple of weeks. We didn't tell you sooner because we didn't want to spoil Christmas for you"

And that sums my mum up to a complete T. Selfless, always thinking of others, always worrying about how we would cope. During her 5 year battle with cancer she only cried infront of me once. And that was just before Mother's day in 2001. She cried because she didn't have the strength to get up the stairs anymore and it took us over an hour of bum shuffling, heaving and sheer will power to get her up the stairs and onto the bed. She cried because she hated having to ask me for help. But most of all she cried because she had cried infront of me! She hated that she couldn't protect me from what was happening.

And I cried with her, for all the birthdays she would miss, for the lost girly lunches and shopping days, for the future grandchildren who would never know the woman who would have made the most amazing grandmother. I cried because there was nothing I could do to help her. But most of all, I cried because I had cried infront of her!

I'll never forget the day she died. The time and place will be forever etched upon my memory, part of who I now am


I Wasn't There

Tired from waiting
tired from watching
tired from driving
tired from looking

Excuses, excuses!
I wasn't there
Gone for a rest,
to sleep for a while

While I was sleeping
You left, you're gone
Your life slipped away,
Your soul no more

I missed it! I missed it!
I wasn't there...


I'm sorry.



And that's why my insomnia won't go!